bedtime…

Una has an interesting relationship with sleep.

When she is asleep, then she is pretty much down for the night, flat out and in her usual fetal position.

If she is poorly, she may join us in the early hours but sometimes I like to sleep with her to make sure she ia okay,  my over-worrying tendencies surface.

It has always been the getting to sleep that she struggles with. In her early months, she would sleep fine but as she got older, she struggled to self sooth. We tried both the gentle version of crying it out, gradually coming away af bedtime where I think we reached stage 3 and there was no sign of any progression further. Crying it out didn’t work for Una either, 2 1/2 hours later she would still be crying and would often make herself sick. No health visitors had answers.

We quickly decided this was not the way and to be honest, it always played on my mind that surely if a child is crying they are asking for nurture.

I am not saying there is a right or wrong way, we have tried so many other ways and at times they haved worked, Una has fallen asleep on her own in recent years but never consistently.

I kind of just think that we know what is right for our child, maybe we don’t always listen to our gut at first but we know. We still feel pressure to try things because of the stereotypical image of everyone elses children sleeping perfectly. But Una is different to some others.

This girl has fought hard to grow from a tiny 2lb 7oz, to play catch up and lost out on the 3 months in the womb where babies are thought to develop and learn sleep cycles.

This girl wants cuddles, snuggles and company at night time. We don’t know how she feels about her sister dying and how this affects her in many different ways. I find myself thinking that if she had struggled to sleep, Eva would have snuggled up with her to help.

Only yesterday she wasn’t sleepy at bedtime so played in her room and then climbed into bed when she was sleep and fell asleep on her own. Today, she was hysterical and really couldn’t tell me why but she was so sorry. Of course, she had nothing to be sorry for. She is sensative and just needs more and that is okay.

Sometimes worry about an unknown future of whether she will grow into getting herself to sleep clouds our vision and we feel that we aren’t doing her any favours by snuggling with her to help her sleep. But chances are things will just transition with age and we are just giving her exactly what she needs to nurture her growth.

Proud always of our Una and Eva. Even though Eva is not here with us, she still manages to help Una navigate the world 💗💜

Eva’s Mummy 💜🦋

Easter…

Today felt long, not sure why and in no way wishing for time to speed up because my goodness the kids are growing up way too quickly as it is.

Easter had been lovely, it isn’t a special occasion for my beliefs but it is always an opportunity to take time with loved ones even if the past 2 have been more restricted. I very much look forward to being more free to seeing more family like we would usuallly.

We enjoyed my family’s company and their garden yesterday and today we spent some time outside at home.

I went for a cycle this morning which did wonders for my mentality, usually unblocking the insane amount of thoughts.

The sun has  een shining which always makes thing feel brighter.

I hope you have all had a relaxed long weekend and have reached your break if you’ve been working.

Stay safe.

Eva’s Mummy 💜

another go…

My intention, however meaningful to me, failed miserably. It seems that I didn’t even make my daily blog posts last for a month!

To be fair to myself, when I wrote on the 1st of January, I had no idea that by the end of that week my professional life would be taking place at home and that the juggling would again begin!

Now I have reached the Easter Holidays and although my work to do list is substantially long, after taking 3 days officially for ‘down time’, I feel it the right time to resume my intentions.

Feeling at the moment is interesting. I am mostly level but spontaneous will get a happiness surge or a dip with no real understanding of what has caused it. I know that is the journey.

Eva’s Trust is officially launched and although there is lots to do to get started properly, this is a good thing, I just hope that at some point we may feel a sense of it being right. I am completely certain it is the right thing to do and in Eva’s name but there is just so many emotions attached to it and I am just finding my way through those.

Una continues to struggle getting to sleep and just wants snuggles and although I get it, kids play on it, I also can’t help but think she deserves all of the snuggles in the world after what she has been through and the love she shows! I found myself taken back to the corridors of TMBU Neonatal Intentive Care Unit as I held her this evening, my mind taking me to such details of where we hung our coats, why, who knows!

Late night, but now ready to rest, if I can switch off.

Be kind to yourselves and stay safe.

Eva’s Mummy 💜

4…

08.02.21

Dear Eva,

You should be turning 4 today. Instead, you’re still not here.

Una was so, so excited for you both and brought us so much comfort by including you in everything from the gifts she wanted, to the repeated mention of the fact it was your birthday as well as hers and by the many times she said she loved you, although this is something she always does as do we.

We said your name when we sung happy birthday and blew out the candles, we said your name whenever we got the chance. You were in our thoughts throughout yesterday as you are always and the Eva shaped hole we have in our family is always felt.

Today will always be the day, you made me a Mummy, 4.35am you arrived, so fragile and helpless, a minute sooner than your sister, still cosy in her bubble when she came out. Your Daddy and I were so happy and so frightened at the same time, waiting hours to have our first glimpse at you and your sister’s beautiful faces.

You and Una were so strong and we talk about your beginnings frequently with your brother and sister. Reuben is understanding more and more that he has a sister called Eva who he says he loves too at every chance he gets.

My beautiful girl, you are so very loved and missed.

I asked Una before tucking her into bed tonight, if I could shut her blinds and she said “no, I want to see Eva”. She always finds the brightest star in the sky and knows it is you looking over her. This brings her so much comfort.

You are in everything we do my beautiful girl 💜

…much

“I’ll blog every day” she said…

With the best will in the world sometimes, it all gets a little much.

It’s not that I don’t want to post- I am still learning more about myself at 31 and have finally discovered how I work.. sometimes!

When things get a little much and my head gets a little too full, mostly at the moment due to the what feels like endless ‘to dos’ I just fall a little silent. In a way, I just don’t feel like chatting, sharing and find it difficult to gather my thoughts to make any kind of points so thus I just don’t.

Things feel difficult at the moment…

I am sure they do for so many of you too- it is tough.

So I am moving forward, even though it really feels like more of a plod right now but we will make it!

Stay safe,

Eva’s Mummy

♡♡♡

…belated

I am currently a blog behind – I fell into bed about 12ish ( great for me ) but my baby boy woke up and joined me so I didn’t think it was fair to keep him awake with my early morning blog posts which have become a habit. It seems to be when I stop and reflect.

I am not one bit upset that I am behind- the cuddles and love I receive from that beautiful bundle of joy melts my ♡. I know these nightly visits and half of the bed sharing won’t last forever and I cherish these moments.

So yesterday, I tried my best to switch off from work- I am finding it difficult! By the end of the day I just felt horrible like I was not nice to be around, not particularly sure why it all builds but I don’t cope well when I feel I am not living up to my standards- especially when it comes to being Mummy. I just felt like I should be better. Now I reflect- I know we many have moments like these and there will be so many more to come, but there is no talking to myself when I feel that way.

It is approaching Reu’s birthday and perhaps a lot of how I am feeling it to do with that- who knows! I did enjoy being creative last night when decorating Reu’s cake. My mum very kindly made the sponge to save me fitting that job in (thank you) so I was just enjoying being creative- I miss doing that…it has been such a while ajnce I painted or played an instrument.

We all need time, the challenge is finding the time- it is there but it is sometimes hard to see it.

Sending love all around

Eva’s Mummy

xxx

…arrival

Somehow Tom and I find ourselves at the point at which we must apply for a school place for Una. This is usually a point in time where parents have the realisation that their child is growing up, approaching a huge milestone. For us, it is huge in so many ways- our little girl, our fighter who was only 2lb 7oz when she arrived is now so big in comparison (although still teeny), if possible- even stronger, chatty, fiesty, so incredibly loving and cheerful. She is ready for school in so many ways even though I am not quite ready myself for her to go.

As I typed out the application and added a child- I know I should have been able to put my eldest baby girl too but of course we know this will never be possible. So many questions come into our minds about everything we long to know about Eva, what should have been. These questions and thoughts are always here but at milestones like this they are much more prominent and busy.

We knew this day would come but I suppose we can never truly prepare ourselves, despite knowing the likely feelings and heartache. With every milestone, things will be so bittersweet but Tom and I will do everything we can to ensure Una has the Mummy and Daddy she needs who keep talking.

So many other mothers and fathers will be in a position like ours- too many. But will continue moving forward in our baby(ies) name, living on for them and striving to make them proud.

💜🦋

Broken record…

When thinking about what to write for today I suddenly felt like I was a broken record, constantly repeating myself and the words of others just in different ways.

Perhaps I feel like the last 9 months or so have just been like a record going round and round, playing in a loop.

Same old story, different week with changing melodies to suit the mood of each song but looping around, getting back to where we first started. I don’t mean to sound bleak- I after all am one of those who is fortunate enough (so far) not to be affected by covid directly and thus really have a long list of positives to take from the lock down and isolation experiences so far, so much personal growth and family experiences but I can’t argue the definite feeling of being on the treadmill that never lets up even for a moment. I can’t quite compute the number of lives lost to this awful virus. I think of those families grieving often.

I feel pretty exhausted but still not compared to all the amazing people working close to the virus who haven’t had any respite for 10 months. They are often in my thoughts too.

I read today that motivation is something that comes and goes with us all but even when there is none we must keep showing up and committing to the day and our intentions to ensure we move forward towards what we are working for. This resonates with me- I thimk we must, moving forward is the only thing we can do right now, however tired we must show up.

Stay safe,

Evas Mummy

xxx

Brave…

I did a video today during my cool down from my much needed jog as I figured sometimes it is nice to say things once in a while instead of just writing.

I was trying to be brave and said what I had to say but now have less bravery, did my usual pick holes in it (always the perfectionist!) and here we are now back to posting words!

It is okay- funny how you can feel completely different given a few hours but that is how quite a few of us work.

To ensure my points still get out, I generally covered the following:

– you are amazing!

– you are doing incredibly!

– it has been a tough week for us all!

– jogging is really helping my mental health

– do what helps you and consequently others around you.

– we will get through this, one day at a time

– let me know if I can do anything!

– keep talking

Stay safe

Eva’s Mummy

xxx

Quiet…

I am now realising why perhaps I don’t usually post daily on my blog.

Sometimes there is just little to say- not that there is nothing if I really tried but maybe more that I just don’t want to!

My day has been full of words, spoken and written on many pages and now I really just long for quiet for a few hours, in a great effort to rest and reset but I can’t say I am overly convinced I will feel that way when I wake. But thhe intention is there!

Good night.

Eva’s Mummy

xxx